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Pet Peeves - Part Deux

So I know we already have a list of things that make us cringe, but there are just so many things that cause my blood pressure to sky rocket... My nephew once said something along the lines of "Gees, do you ever stop complaining?" to which I replied, "Yes, but then I would have nothing to say."

Wasted Talent. I love Giovanni Ribisi. He's this cute, great actor that I've watched grow up from "My Two Dads" to "The Wonder Years" to his heart-wrenching roles in "The Other Sister" and "Saving Private Ryan." That's why it really kills me to see him in the movie "The Mod Squad." He plays this kind of quirky-dumb guy, which is cute on "Friends", but not so cute when it's for a movie that defies laws of science (because it both sucks and blows). To think I once wanted to watch that movie in the theaters. Luckily I did two loads of laundry instead. "The Mod Squad" was just a waste of a revived tv franchise and great talent (afterall, Claire Danes and Omar Epps aren't too shabby themselves). Even watching it on cable was pretty horrible. I can't demand back my money, but the two hours of my life back would be nice. Okay so it wasn't really two hours because can anyone sit through that movie from start to finish? You know it's pretty bad when you look forward to commercials for cat litter and Bean-O.

I think the only serious thing Giovanni Ribisi does in the movie is wield a firearm. Basically the theme of the movie was "Look Cool." Yummy! I just threw in this picture cuz he's hot.
Brown Walls. Brown is the color of dirt. It's the color of dung. Do you want any of those on your walls? Yes brown is also the color of chocolate, coffee and my new shoes that I love, but that doesn't mean I want to take chocolate and my shoes, stick them in a can, call it paint and throw it on my walls. Can you imagine waking up every morning to a room that's the color of cowhide or wood? I think I'd feel like I'm inside a big ole bran muffin, and you know what happens to bran muffins! So why, why why would anyone ever paint their walls brown, nevertheless when they're designers. We've seen it happen time and time again on "Trading Spaces"... Doug's "movie room" and Hildy's "chocolate room"... One word : heinous.

Imagine coming home to this every night!
Stupid Questions. I'm not talking about people in class who ask after every word, "Can you write that down on the board?" although that's annoying as hell too. What really bugs me is being asked all the time, "Are you Japanese?" Why do people assume that all Asian people are Japanese? I don't think Japanese people have been the major Asian ethnic group since the internment camp days (and I thought wrong because apparently Japanese people have never been the major ethnic group in America, so really, what is your excuse??). I don't go around asking "Are you Irish?" or "Are you Mexican?" to people I pass along the street, because really, what relevance is it? Furthermore the "Are you Japanese" question is just the start of a horrible conversation that goes a little something like this:

  • Are you Japanese?
  • Well what are you?
    Totally annoyed. A human being.
  • (Totally clueless). Ha ha. No really.
    Chinese (I am not going to get into the whole China vs. Taiwan politics, especially with a person who probably thinks Taiwan is where they speak Thai and cook Pad Thai and Jungle Curry)
  • Really? My sister's boss's hairstylist's husband is Korean.
    That's great. That gives us so much to talk about! We'll be best friends for sure! Maybe you can have the Korean guy tell his wife to tell her client to tell her employee to tell her brother to give me a call so we can rehash the good ole days of feet binding and working in the rice paddies. And if we add two more degrees of separation, maybe Kevin Bacon can come join us!
"Dirrty" (Note the double "R". Christina is such a rebel that the English dictionary has no meaning to her). Not the clothes in the hamper or dust on my shoes, but Christina Aguilera's more-than-soft-but-not-quite-hard-porn music video. Where to start? While trying to outskank Britney in order to sell records, Christina (*gag gag* she shares my name!) has lost a little bit of her anorexia and a whole lot of clothes. She debuted her new "look" at this year's VMAs (see photo. Caution, not for the faint of heart) and it's been even more downhill ever since. Just when you think the "pierced in eleven places, only which five of them you can see" bleached blonde can't get any more trashy, she premieres the video for her first single off the new album, Stripped, which is aptly called "Dirrty." This video is a hodge-podge of all the things that creep me out, which incidently coincide with all the things you'd find in the "You must be 18 to enter" area of the video store including:
  • Christina bouncing on top of a motorcycle.
  • Christina dancing in a cage.
  • Mud wrestling.
  • Girl on girl fighting in the boxing ring. Show of hands who would like to see Christina get schooled?
  • Locker room scene with water and wet t-shirts. But the scariest part is that they tramp around on the shower floor and *gasp* don't wear shower sandals!
  • Lots of butt cheek, not shocking seeing as how her ass is hanging out of pants (can I call them that?) that made me flashback to Prince's outfit (you all know which one I'm talking about, yes, all three of you).
  • Lots of thrusting/flashing. Why does she even bother wearing a micro-mirco-micro mini when you can see her underwear everytime she moves?
  • Furries. Did anyone watch the "MTV True Life" special on plushies and furries? I didn't, but just hearing about it from Karen Banshee was enough to traumatize me, well, basically for the rest of my life. So in the "Dirty" video, there are a bunch of people in animal costumes running around chasing each other. Why? On second thought, ignorance is bliss and I'd rather not know.

Wannabe Comedians. I'm a big fan of reality tv. All the fun of soap opera drama without any of the mess in your own life. Have you ever noticed that most reality tv "stars" are just using the show as their vessel to 15 minutes of fame? They all have agents and agendas, are models or actors. Worst of all are the people who try to show all of America just how funny they are (says the girl who broadcasts her views and thoughts to the internet public because she thinks her and her long-lost cousin are "too hilarious"). You won't usually find these "comedians" on "Real World" or "Survivor" 'cuz hey, they have casting agents who filter those people out.

Unfortunately low budget cable shows often fall victim to this phenomenon. Case in point, I was watching "Food 911" on the Food Network. The premise of the show is that hottie chef Tyler Florence makes a house call to your kitchen and rescues you from whatever food perils you're suffering, albeit dinner party for eight or a need for an authentic Italian meal. This episode was entitled "Tailgating Party in Coralville Iowa" which is a bad omen in itself. "Tailgating" to a Californian means that bastard riding your bumper when you drive, or what you do to the car in front of you when they're driving 65 mph in the fast lane on the freeway. However, throw the word "tailgating" in the context of a mid-Western state, and images of drunken, football-obsessed masses gnawing on greasy ribs pop into my head.

Oh the humanity
So a bunch of middle-aged folk in Iowa wanted a sophisticated tailgate party (for all you SAT-taking people out there, that's a classic oxymoron example). Tyler Florence to the rescue. Poor guy. Here he is in Iowa trying to cook a gourmet meal for a bunch of people who wouldn't taste the difference between Brie and Velveeta. Tyler and the gang prepare some leg of lamb roasts for the grill (yes, lamb at a tailgate party. Tyler Tyler Tyler, I adore your innocence but did you really think that after your show these people would be enlightened and cook gourmet thus forth? Oh you did? That's so sweet) and are tying it up with butcher twine. Some joker goes "Hey Tyler, I didn't know we'd be getting so kinky." Yes because rolling up cuts of raw meat soooo gets me randy and inspires my wildest sex fantasies. Come on! So I think the most intelligent thing that guy said was "Can we add some tequila to that?" "That" was roasted pear sauce. Roasted pear sauce... and Jose Cuervo!!! Some great chef must be rolling around in his/her grave over that.

Oh and the party-goers decided to "help" Tyler by providing him with a blender. But it's hard to find an electric outlet out there, so they concocted a blender powered by a motocycle engine and gasoline. And yes, you DO get to rev the handlebars to turn it on. They gave a famous chef "Junkyard Wars"-ish KitchenAid appliances! I think the evening ended with a bunch of red-faced, cowboy hat-wearing boonie-dwellers dancing (unrhythmically of course) on top of their cars. However I think I was trying to poke out my eyes about then... Please, please, won't somebody think of the children?

Coming Soon... Pet Peeves Part Three

(it's like a bad horror movie series that just won't quit)

written by christina

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