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[ rants - princess diaries ]

Reasons I can only watch "Princess Diaries" when I'm not irritable
Okay so before my mailbox gets flooded with hate mail and ticking packages (including from Karen Banshee) I want to start off by saying that I like the movie "Princess Diaries." I think it's a cute movie, I relate to the main character Mia (aside from the whole royalty thing), I laugh out loud when I watch it, I "awwww" at all the right moments... but sometimes in my PMS-bitchiness I get a little irritated at the storybook movie. For those of you who missed the summer sleeper hit of 2001, an awkward teenage girl's life turns upside down when she discovers that she is a princess. It's directed by Gary Marshall ("Pretty Woman"), which pretty much guarantees an ugly duckling to swan transformation and your fairytale happy ending. Reasons for my finger-tapping, teeth gritting annoyance...
  • Makeover. Despite the frizzy hair, thick glasses and Brooke Shield eyebrows, you know Mia is an attractive girl underneath. Movie makeovers just always work out that way (*cough* She's All That *cough cough*). It's never the fat girl or the cross-eyed girl or the "before" picture for Accutane girl. It's always some knockout who's "ugly," yet rakes a comb through her hair, pops some contacts in and "suddenly" becomes gorgeous (btw, how ridiculous was that curly-haired community boycott last summer?). It must be that Clark Kent/Superman logic where a pair of wire-rims make all the difference.

    Try making me pretty Hollywood...

  • Michael. Mia's best friend Lilly's brother who "saw her when she was invisible." Everybody all together now... "Awwww." Okay so sure the guy is sweet but what's with the weird M&M candy obsession? The band practice scene. Michael's rocking out on his electronic keyboard (gees, at least give the guy a sexy instrument. Electronic keyboard screams Beverly Hills David Silver or Ross and "The One Where Chandler Crosses the Line"). I cringe whenever the M&M's on the keyboard start to rattle... And all the other scenes with Michael in it I just want to grab a comb and scissor... I'm all for The Strokes garage band look... but this.. is not it.

    Were the Beatles resurrected and no one bothered to tell me?

  • "Baby". Few people can use that word right (did anyone see "A Walk to Remember?"). Fewer still can use it while describing a car. "Grandmother I want you to meet my baby" "How's my baby today?"

  • Feet. There are too many feet shots. First we see Mia getting a pedicure during her makeover with a close-up that's far too long... Then she's wearing sandals to the beach party which prompts a foot massage in a beach shack. Only it's hottie Erik von Detton asking for one! Yes, because it's every girl's dream to rub her hands over a guy's stinky feet that have been confined in shoes all day... Yes I realize that's only two feet scenes... but even two is two too many!
  • Bianca Lopez. So she has maybe 5 minutes of screen time and her character is no more heinous than the other cheerleaders, but Bianca Lopez played Mandy "Always Gets Her Man" Sanchez on "Even Stevens" and stole Bobby Deaver away from Ren. Unforgivable...

  • Mandy Moore. She plays a rude popular cheerleader intent on making Mia's life miserable. It's Mandy Moore... Girl who perpetually stands with her legs all spread apart or shoulders slouched to make herself less a giant... And she plays a cheerleader... what's not to hate? Annoying as she is, she's supposed to be the bad guy and doesn't tick me off quite as much as...

    With friends like these, I think I'd be a self-imposed loner...

  • Heather Matarazzo. The most annoying best friend on the planet. She always yells rather than speaks, she calls Mia a freak, she has really weird hairstyles, and she's mean to Jeremiah (the cute red-haired magician outcast). In short, I feel like slapping her every time she appears onscreen. She has one redeeming scene in which she defends Mia, but it goes a little something like this... "Well I think it rocks *weird mouth contortions* Voltaire... Hair... I would rather learn about Voltaire."

written by christina

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