When summer approaches, the newstands are flooded with magazine articles about "Losing Weight" and "Preparing
for Bikini Season." They tell you how to tone those abs, how to lose that flab and how to hide all the above
when the exercises don't work. What the magazine editors and rest of America don't seem to realize is that
there exists a neglected body part that requires far more care than it receives. Your feet.
Let's face it...feet are not attractive. The smell from them is not attractive, the fact that toes look like
retarded finders is not attractive, sharp nails are not attractive... Your feet aren't cute and no one wants
to see them!
Summer rolls around and here comes the sandals, the slides, the platforms, the flip-flops... Especially at a
school that must have a private endorsement from Reef sandals, the whole foot frenzy can make for a literally
ugly experience. Not only are we exposed to guys with purple toenails and ill grasp of the phrase "nail clipper",
but with each step, you can see the black soles of people who have been sweating in their sandals and running
through dirt in their sandals.
I like my jeans. They're comfortable to the point where I would marry them. If it was all about comfort, I
would gladly welcome sandals, open-toed shoes and the like with open arms. However, one of the reasons feet are
so ugly is because of the discomfort sandals bring. How many girls have you seen limping around or with band-aids
on their toes because of painful shoes? This trauma is not limited to girls, however. The other day I saw something
glisten in the corner of my eye (and no it wasn't Andy's shiny clubbing shirt!). It was this guy' foot, all shiny and
wet with blood from where his sandal strap had rubbed his skin raw. Granted it was no "Saving Private Ryan" war scene,
but still, the sight was enough for me to run home and write a letter to my local congressman about sandal safety.
(Recap: feet are ugly, sandals make feet uglier, feet are even uglier in sandals. It's a vicious cycle)
Oh and another thing, if you DO choose to wear sandals, at least learn how to walk in them. The sound of sandals slapping against the concrete carries as far as a banshee
scream, and that's pretty damn far. Just because they're called "flip-flops" doesn't actually mean you are required
to flip and flop when you wear them. Do you wear boots and walk around kicking people? Or wear sneakers and tip toe
silently? And let's not forget that another word for flip-flop is "thong" and you wouldn't... well let's not visit Britney
Spears' favorite article of clothing (I can't call it an undergarment because in her case, it's never "under"... but I digress).
So for those of you who actually know the word "pedicure" and are married to it (and I don't mean those girls who like
to french tip their toenails, Karen hates that), my condolences because you will be
endlessly harassed by a bunch of freaks with foot fetishes (nerd note: a fetish actually refers to a sexual desire towards
an inanimate object (watch MTV's Plushies special)) like JoJo from the radio. As for the rest of you... May you one day see or
smell the error of your ways.
Writer's note: I can't believe I just devoted a page to my least favorite body part. The shame. Now if you'll excuse me,
I'm off to go paint my nails.
