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[ rants - 09.09.02 ]

Week in Review
09.03.02 - 09.09.02

Damn the reflection off the water, this guy has a hot bod!
This week's question: Was the skanky Asian girl wearing a thong on "DisMissed" today being sarcastic when she said "I think I'll probably be dismissed today, because the other girl is a virgin and guys like that sweet innocent kind" or was she really that stupid?
Answer: Who cares? I'd rather forget I saw that episode... All that salt and milk and what the hell... I'm going to have nightmares tonight.
This week's guilty pleasure: The commercials for "Sorority Life" on MTV. Ingenious. They have photos of the pledges' faces cut out and pasted onto Barbie dolls. Love Jordan's frizzed-out hair and Dede's man voice. Even better is that the dolls act out scenes from the season, including bitch slaps and kissing drunks. Favorite "Sororite Life" commercial: Hi, my name is Dede. I decided to pledge so I'd get some driving practice. I have to pick up my pledge sisters when the bars close."
This week's pet peeve: My missing "Entertainment Weekly". I hear James Gandolfini is on the cover. I wouldn't know. Not that I'm bitter. My EW usually comes on Friday. If it's not here on Saturday I'm already disgruntled. It hasn't made an appearance all week. Sometimes I find my magazines (delia*s catalog included) in the downstairs bathroom. Even that's better than a total MIA. It's already made me miss Michael Vartan on "The View" and Boxcar Racer on "Leno." *sigh*
This week's revelation: Inside Grace's Brain
  • I wonder if Kelly Clarkson's album will sell... I mean, what ever happened to Popped Stars and Oh-Where Are They Now-Town?

  • "American Idol" could have a spinoff... I know other ways to find stars.

    "Who wants to be Like Mike"? A super star athlete competition where the winner gets drafted by the NBA.

    Special Bonus! Second season can be: "Who wants to be Like Tiger". It can also be repeated with the NFL, and Major League Baseball to ensure saturation of market. Afterall, didn't everyone watch the XFL?

    "THE Asian-American Actor", a win-by-vote competition to see who will be the next guy or girl who plays token "Japanese/Korean/Chinese" character. Each week, the finalists must survive mock audition scenes. Week 1's special theme: "Convenience Store Owner". Week 2, "China Town Mobster". Those without or unwilling to learn martial arts skills need not apply.

    Special Bonus! This show can air at the same time as "THE Latin-American Actor"! Week 1 Finalists can audition for "Convenience Store Thug" part with THE AAA finalsists.

  • Did you know Henry from "Gilmore" (high schooler), "ER" (intern), "That 80's show" (car salesman) is going to be on "Girl's Club" (lawyer)? Is there any job he can't do?
    ...besides staying on a show

  • I will not conform to the idea of chocolate mints.
This week's eye candy alert: Jesse Bradford. You know him as the air guitarist Kirsten Dunst crushes on in "Bring it On" and the guy in that movie no body saw "Clockstoppers." Now he's an Olympic hopeful and all-around stud with obsessive stalker in "Swim Fan." There's one word to explain why he's my pick of the week... Speedos.
This week's song: "The Penis Song". This is an actual song performed in the movie "The Sweetest Thing" with Cameron Diaz, Christina Applegate and Selma Blair-with-the-weird-hair (don't I feel clever). My sister and I accidently (I swear) bought the unrated version of the movie. The "extra footage never before seen in theaters" isn't part of the special features as deleted scenes, but put right into the movie. So the trio is in Chinatown when they break out into song about.. you guessed it, the aforementioned male appendage. Throw in some Right Said Fred "I'm Too Sexy" music, lyrics like "You're too big to fit in here, too big to fit in here, too big to fit in here", and a lot of Ryan Starr/Christina Aguilera/Britney-esque gyrations and you've got "The Penis Song." Fun for all, especially when your "I'll slap you silly in the non-child abuse kind of way if you dare mention the words condom or sex in front of me" mother is sitting in the next room and the song lasts an eternity (five minutes in real time).

written by christina

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