[ rants - american ego ]
| Summer is the time to vacation, but some of the contestants on American
Idol have taken their ego trips a little too far... I don't know what
was in the water tonight, but whatever it was, they should bottle it and
sell it to "everybody at table eight" (reference to "The
Wedding Singer") cuz it gave overwhelming attitude to a bunch of kids
who gave underwhelming performances.
|First up is... A.J. Gil (has anyone noticed the repetition of names throughout the contest? I know it's been said 5 billion times before, but come on... R.J., E.Jay Day, A.J. Gil, Gil Sinuet, Christina Christian, hosts Brian and Ryan, Ryan Starr... It's like a recycling of letters to form new words. Oh wait, that's what the English language is... Maybe they only advanced people with similar names so they could start making idol paraphernalia and just change a few letters in the typeset depending on who wins...).||
I wonder if they arrange the contestants at photo shoots according to who's likely to get cut. "Jim, you make weird mouth movements and scare us in those shirtless vests/vests as shirts, you stand at the end where you're easiest to crop out," "E.Jay, they call you 'Captain Mandible' on Whatever Dude, you take the other end."
I can't decide if A.J. is cute.. or just a little bit creepy...
| So does anyone remember what I was originally
talking about? Anyone? Anyone? Oh yeah, A.J. Gil and his "good-ish" performance.
So the kid is one of the "losers" (Simon said this, I am Switzerland on
the issue) advanced by the sympathy vote. So A.J. Is a decent singer (so
says the girl who's tone-deaf AND once listened to the Mighty Ducks soundtrack
17 times in a row... "We will, we will rock you." Ahem, anyway...) but
his voice is a bit thin, and lately when he performs he looks nervous
and doesn't move well, maybe because usually when you're facing a firing
squad, they tie you motionless. Simon says (ha ha, yes after all the Jaded
Journalist recaps and articles at EW's
TV Watch I just noticed "Simon Says." Bit slow on the uptake, eh?).
Anywho, Simon said that A.J. simply wasn't good enough. He was "good"
and after a moment's pause, Simon added "-ish" to qualify that A.J. was
not quite good, more like... "okay." Apparently A.J. interpreted this
as "good ish" like "good s***," which if you think about it, and I do,
can never really be good at all... But yeah, so A.J. seemed like this
sweet, spiritual kid who's main motivation was to help his mom, but then
he turned into this cocky kid who's suddenly flipping up his collar and
giving attitude. Maybe it's an elaborate ploy to get kicked off because
he knows he shouldn't be there. In that case, why doesn't he just respectfully
withdraw instead of lingering and making unenthusiasts of the non-pre-pubescent
| Joining A.J. on an ego trip tonight was resident heartthrob Justin Guarini,
also known as "Carrot Top with brown hair". Simon said that Justin was "outperformed"
by 3 girls tonight. In response, Justin literally went over Simon's head
to ask the audience "Well, what did you think?", a moment that would be forever
captured and become the video clip played even more often than that horrible
white guy in the muscle shirt and blue visor who actually took a moment
during his audition to suck snot up his nose. Again, I should have seen this coming in previous episodes
when Justin would cut off the judges with "Yeah, okay" and "I really respect
your opinion, BUT I'm really only saying that to look less like an arrogant
prick." Okay so I added that last past, but you know he was thinking it...
If you slow-motion that clip, I promise you can pinpoint the exact moment that Justin's ego came out from its usually well-concealed hiding spot (maybe in that bobbing 'do of his. you could hide a Mack truck and its family in there, or something equally big, like my j. ho butt) and started moving Justin's mouth and flaring his nostrils...
But still, "Justin, Justin, Justin" behaved like an angel compared to...
Miss "I am a self-declared star" Ryan Starr. |
In her "All About Ryan" montage last week, we saw footage of Ryan the typical
"California Girl" (minus bleached hair) running up and down the beach with
her surfboard, pausing momentarily to pose on the rocks looking pensive as she
talks about being Ryan Starr, surfette and singer extraordinaire. Odd that
she failed to mention her real name (Tiffany Montgomery until the second episode
of American Idol) and that she lives in Sunland, CA, a landlocked city 100+
miles from the ocean... But what do you expect from a self-proclaimed "Rocker"
who sings about frim-fram sauce in a contest where the winner gets to re-record
someone else's lyrics, music and hit song?
Tonight Ryan chose to sing "You Got Me," a song that basically only consists
of the lyrics "Yeah, you really got me now" and in Ryan's case, a lot of gyration,
head thrashing and other Sin City stripper-esque motions coupled with Sin
City hooker-esque attire...How is it that the girl could sing only 6 words and
make it sound so awful? |
Does Ryan Starr look like Liv Tyler? I don't know, but she sure has the mouth of Steven Tyler...
|After the performance, after the smattering of polite applause, after the massive cheering from teenage boys whose only experience with females involved unscrambling cable channels, after the parents had removed their hands from their children's eyes, after the audience had shook their heads in an attempt to shake out the sound of her performance, the judges gave their evaluations. Ryan beamed when Paula Abdul said that she sucked but looked sexy. Yes, because that's what music should be about, sexiness. Simon says what we are all thinking in our heads, her performance was dreadful. Ryan got mad (Rumplestiltskin style, I could almost see her stomping herself into the ground) and justified her dreadful performance by saying she's a "rocker". Maybe off her rocker if she thought that was good. I listen to punk and rock, and when she said that... I felt shame because I thought that maybe the 8.5 million viewers (or however many there were according to the "Alice in Wonderland" type duo who make me grateful that only 2 channels appear clear on my tv and FOX is not one of them) watching might think that Ryan embodies rock music.|
As Simon continues his critique, Ryan continuously interrupts him, most memorably
with "Simon's a popper, Simon's a popper," in a manner similar to the
way my 3 year-old niece would throw a fit, screaming "Chris is a gark!
Chris is a gark!" or some other made-up word (that's what I imagine my
3 year-old niece would do if I had one anyway...). As Simon continues
to speak, "Listen...", probably in some attempt to make the obviously
emotional Starr calm down and not embarrass herself on national tv (whoops,
too late for that, eh?), Ryan sprints?skips?rushes to the platform where
the hosts await, much the way prison escapees run to freedom or persons
with two X chromosomes dash to the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale. Didn't
they teach you manners where you come from Ryan? Or were you seriously
born in a barn. Your parents seem nice enough when the cameramen swoop
over them for the obligatory 2-second shot. It's just appalling. Parents
everywhere are discouraging their children from pursuing a musical career
for fear that they will became a "Ryan Starr" full of attitude, bad sportsmanship
and a belief that they can do no wrong, all the while devoid of talent... |
Is it too much to ask that in this day and age, America can find someone with
natural talent, who's photogenic no matter the light, can sing, move to more
than two dance variations, sell millions of albums, make us laugh, speak intelligently
and be incredibly humble? Huh, I guess so. Well since that dream is shattered,
can I put in a request to treat the judges with respect, at least to their
face and when the nation is watching? Okay, okay, at the very least, please
please please, no more Ryan Starr!
Writer's note: 07/31/02. Hurray! Ryan Starr was voted off tonight's show. We won't be seeing much of her (both literally and figuratively) anymore, unless you happen to be an avid adult movie watcher, in which case, be on the lookout for the debut of, not Tiffany Montgomery, not Ryan Starr, but the skanky Porn Starr! Sorry, I just don't like the girl, even if she is "half rock, half pop, half R&B, one fourth everything"... What a coincidence, that adds up to about the amount of idiocity she presented on national tv... times a hundred. Ryan - take your bullfrog voice, handkerchiefs that you try to pass off as skirts, rented wetsuit and go back to your tiny town where you're the best thing since sliced bread.
Did anyone need to cover their kid sister or brother's eyes Tuesday night as Ryan pranced around in a "skirt" that was probably single-handedly the cause of the high prostitution rate across the country that night and elicited memories of the "Felicity" episode where Elena wears a headband as a miniskirt? See, I must not totally hate Ryan. I mean, she'd probably be ecstatic that people are talking about her sexiness. Hey didn't this chick also say she changed her name to Ryan because she's a tomboy?
written by christina
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